sunday times column week five

Americans suddenly liberate Paris, again.

Michael Jackson and OJ both got off, but not Paris, she did the crime and faced some time. Paris Hilton is released from prison after 3 days, rumours were that she had stopped eating. Poor old Paris is a hate figure here, epitomizing the famous for being famous set and oddly enough when she went into county prison it seemed that some people were warming to her, since in America there are private prisons where rich criminals can do their time in peace and avoid poor criminals, as they call them, Club Fed. Now that her lawyers have managed to get her out of the forty five days in the pokey I think that she is doing herself no favours and besides it strikes me that she has garnered so much publicity for herself as a brand out of this that she should be paying them.

Meanwhile Lindsey Lohan is back in rehab, Promise in Malibu, it has a reputation for being a little too lenient, but still planning a big bash for her 21st which in California is the legal age for drinking, Brittany is dating her drug counselor and Nicole Richie who is hoping not to get a prison sentence for driving down the freeway on the wrong side of the road stoned out of her empty head may or may not be pregnant.

I am flying to Seattle to shoot the first of a series of sketches on the show sponsored by a car company, it is sponsored product placement to get around the fact that so many people record shows and then watch them later, fast forwarding through the ads. I play Craig’s mad Scottish cousin, who has come to America to meet celebrities and Craig is anxious to avoid. I ask George, our wardrobe guy and the campest man in Hollywood, to find me a kilt for the part as I’ve left mine in London. Apparently they are not easy to get hold of but they do have some, mostly for productions of that masterpiece of Scottish social realism Brigadoon. The one he finds is old, missing its sporran and a little frayed around the edges, having got up at 4 am today I’m feeling very similar.

There is some talk of a bungee jumping sequence and I’m torn between my thrill seeking side and my abject terror of heights. George discretely suggests a pair of flesh coloured dance briefs to go under the kilt. I explain that nothing is worn under the kilt (it’s all in perfect working order) and he goes into an explanation of why if you are being catapulted at a great speed from a high bridge in a kilt, it might be better to have a bit of support for your personal equipment. I decide to pack them just in case, thinking that they may double as a sort of nappy.

I got a day’s work on a movie, The Kreutzer Sonata, it was shot on digital video with a tiny cast, so not exactly big budget, but hey, two hundred bucks is two hundred bucks. I play the Master of Ceremonies at a charity event and since most of it was improvised I had to come up with some jokes. My friend Lenny Levy told me this as his favourite Jewish Joke and I used it in the speech.

Once upon a time there was a very rich, old lady who had only one grandson, a boy of four whom she doted on. She asked the boy what he wanted for his fifth birthday and he said that he wanted to go to the seaside. So she dressed him up in his little sailor suit and his little sailor’s hat and despite the forecast of stormy weather off they went to the seaside.

So they’re standing there staring at the sea when a freak tidal wave sweeps in and plucks the little boy from where he is standing and the sea swallows him up, leaving the grandmother standing there alone.

The grandmother looks up and says to God,” Now look here, God, if you give me back my grandson I will become a much better person, I’ll give to the poor, I’ll pray every day, and I’ll never never ask you for anything else again as long as I live.”

Just then a second freak tidal wave comes along just like the first one and miraculously replaces the little boy on the very spot where he had stood a minute before. So the Grandmother looks down at the little boy and sees that he is soaking wet but completely unharmed, apart from the fact that he is missing his hat.

She looks up at God and says, “Now look here God, he had a hat!”

The Jewish jokes, How was your holiday? It was disappointing. How about the food? It was terrible, and such small portions

Ladies is anything alright?

This guy is walking across the Sahara desert, as you do, and his foot hits a bottle by and a genie pops out of it. The genie says to him “I am the genie of the bottle and I’ve been locked up in there for a thousand years, your wish is my command.” The guy looks at the genie and says to him,” Look, I just kind of freed you by accident and there is nothing I really want, I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is.

The genie is very surprised by this and says “ You know, I’ve been a genie for a very long time and in this game you meet all kinds of people but you’re the first person I’ve ever come across who is completely happy with his lot in life, good for you.

The guy says, thanks. I’d love to stand here and chat to you but I’d better be getting on my way before that midday sun really kicks in and he walks off. The Genie thinks about this for a minute and then goes after him and says , “Look, I’ve been thinking about this and though I admire your contentment, if word gets round the genie community that someone freed me after a thousand years, then my name will be mud. There has to be something I can do for you.

The guy thinks about this for a bit and looks at the Genie’s sad face and pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. “You see this, he says, “this is a map of the Middle East and people have been fighting over this little patch of desert for as far back as anyone can remember, longer even. Is there any way you could bring peace to this troubled corner of the globe?” The Genie bites his lip and looks pained. “Listen, . weight in gold, sure, forty virgins, not a problem, bigger you know what, dead easy and while that’s a very noble and unselfish wish but I’m afraid one of the genie rules is that we are not allowed to interfere in human history on that kind of scale,what you are asking for is just too big.”

So the guy thinks about this and says, “Look, not to worry, I won’t tell anyone about this so you don’t have to worry about the other genies.”

The genie still feels bad and says to the guy, “Is there nothing else you’ve always secretly wanted to do or to have, play guitar, meet someone from history, date a supermodel” and the guy says, “Actually on the subject of dating, I’ve always harboured a secret desire to understand the opposite sex, to really get what they’re about and how they think and why their take on things is so different from our own, is that something you think you could do for me?”

The genie looks at him with an even sadder face and shrugs and says, “ I’ll tell you what, let’s have another look at that map of the middle East.”

Elephant shit sweeper up guy story, what you mean quit showbusiness altogether?

Cosby who came from the projects in LA and his building with the leather covered floors and the heated sidewalk to avoid frivolous lawsuits from people who fall on the ice there in the Winter.

Realtors in LA and their headshots.

Johnny Rotten and Steve Jones on the radio, Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indy Radio, surreal to hear those broad London Accents away out here. “I remember I was out in Rwanda doing a benefit and singing God Save the Gorillas” “Yeah, that Rwanda is a right dangerous gaff” Steve Jones who is a sort of cockney Tommy Cooper, plays duets on his guitar on the show with people like Cliff Richard and talks about his health in excruciating detail, “I’m feeling a bit phlegmy today” and I tried that Viagra once but all it did was give me a headache and made everything look blue.

Brendan Behan, “What can’t be cured must be endured” and “Every cripple has his own way of walking.”

The canyon and the walks, the dogs, the anorexics, the gays and the snippets of conversations you hear as you go past. “I would totally look for a new manager” Work on my pecs. I had him spayed and neutered.Oh my God, it wasn’t even non fat!’


Is that goat fell? No, but it doesn’t look too steady on its feet.