sunday times column week fourteen

What happened in Vegas.

There was an earthquake at one am on Thursday of this week. It measured a four point five on the Richter scale. A friend of mine who lives in the Hollywood hills said he was up and could hear the coyotes calling an hour before it happened. I slept through it

The same day Gabriel my six year old constructed some kind of Dr Seuss device to get up to a very high shelf, undid the childproof lid and took a giant swig of a bottle of Calpol. The medics said that he is so big for his age that he was fine.

Back in London we were practically on first name terms with the people at casualty. There was the plate he smashed with a splinter going into his eye, he was fine, there was the plastic ball that he swallowed which didn’t show up on the X rays but was casually coughed up and presented to me a day or so later. Maybe he has a career as a Vegas magician ahead of him.

Out on the street a platinum haired woman buttonholed me and said, “Excuse me, is this your son? he’s cute”, at which point I stopped her as I knew what was coming. I said that I was not looking to get him into show business. She said ‘that’s a pity, we’re looking for kids for ‘The Suite Life of Zac and Cody’. Every time I’m out with my kids someone tries to get me to put them up for commercials. There must be a shortage of red heads here.

My twelve year old Grace is doing ‘Beauty and The Beast’ at Summer Camp. She tells me that she disagrees with the director, he wants her to sound like the voice in the movie, whereas she wants to make the speaking clock character more her own. I suggest she does it his way for now but when it comes to the final performance she can do it whatever damn way she pleases.

On Thursday I went to Las Vegas, an hour’s flight from LA. We are shooting two more sketches for the show. I play Craig’s deranged cousin who is being driven round America by Matt, one of the show’s production assistants.

They have a sign up by the line for security screening which says that it is a crime to joke about the security measures. The cab driver asks me if I’m English and wants to be sure we have enough cash to give him a good tip, because if not he can take us to an ATM en route. Welcome to Vegas.

We shoot one scene in the Red Rock Casino’s “Lucky” suite one of only four VIP suites at the casino, ten grand a night, but usually given to high rollers who spend a lot of money there. The room and everything in it is purple and there are giant plasma flatscreen TV’s everywhere including the shower.

The best part is the loo. I walk in and the lid lifts up automatically. There is also a built in Japanese style bidet, so that after you’ve done your business a jet of warm water shoots up to ensure that you are clean and fresh. Since I’ve been in Hollywood I’m used to people blowing smoke up my ass, but this is a whole other matter.

Matt and I dress up as showgirls for one sketch, fish nets, pink sequined frocks, four inch heels and a massive Vegas showgirl backpack of pink feathers. The make up is put on with a trowel. As Kenny Everett used to say, “it is all in the best possible taste.”

At 2 am at the end of the shoot, a chubby woman in a tight dress walks over and says my friend wants to give you her card. At first I thought she was an actress who had been watching the filming. Her card had two photos and said Nicole: classy, discrete, professional entertainment, private parties, couples, home, office, hotel, and a phone number. She was in a different branch of late night entertainment.

It must be a weird life living in a giant bookies in the middle of a desert. There is something so unforgiving about Vegas, there’s the sun, and the slots, and the way the odds always favour the house. It has a Wild West vibe to it, it is kind of Deadwood on steroids.

The casino management were helpful but there is something so steely about these guys, they all have those secret service things in their ears and a cold glint in their eyes that makes me think of a homicide cop, of someone who seen too much of the dark side of human nature.

As one of them said to me, as long as they keep making people who are not very good at maths, Vegas will just keep on growing.