sunday times column week seven

Gabriel had his kindergarden graduation this week, his second graduation ceremony in under a year, they seem to be very big on this out here. These five year old kids wearing pale blue mortar board hats and marching on the spot while saluting and singing “You’re a grand old flag, you’re a high flying flag…’ Is it cute or is it brainwashing or some weird combination of all of these.

I spoke to a guy this week who used to work with Bill Cosby who came from the projects here in LA and after a hugely successful career in television he now has his own building in New York with leather covered floors and a sidewalk with underfloor, heating to avoid being sued by people who might fall on the ice there in the Winter.

Here in Los Angeles The norms of showbusiness have percolated down into very stratum of society, estate agents, or realtors as they call them here are everywhere, and no just the name of the company but their headshots, smiling at you from bus shelters and benches,

A lot of them look like actors or models, as if their photos are saying I’m only doing this for a bit until I land that juicy part. Some of them are on the phone, as if too say, I’m selling so many houses I don’t even have time to put the phone down for a photograph. As if I care what the guy who finds me a house looks like, now a photograph of the house, that might be helpful.

There’s a great indy radio station out here which has a show hosted by Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols. The most intriguing thing about his show is the way that it makes absolutely no concession to an American audience, it’s basically Steve Jones chatting away to himself about nothing in particular Steve Jones plays duets on his guitar on the show with people like Cliff Richard and talks about his health in excruciating detail, “I’m feeling a bit phlegmy today” and “I tried that Viagra once but all it did was give me a headache and made everything look blue.” Steve is now a kind of cockney Tommy Cooper . The first time I tuned in he had Johhny Rotten on with him as a guest. It was surreal to hear those broad London Accents away out here. Johnny was saying “I remember I was out in Rwanda, doing a benefit and singing God Save the Gorillas” Steve says“Yeah, that Rwanda is a right dangerous gaff!”

At the weekend Sarah and I have taken to going for a walk or as the yanks term it, a hike up Runyon Canyon, a half hour walk which ends in a panoramic view down over the whole Los Angeles. The canyon is always busy with people walking their dogs, excercising compulsively, kvetching about the business or more often than not, all three at the same time. As you pass people you catch these odd little snippets of conversation “My personal trainer says that for now I should just concentrate on my pecs.” and “Oh my God, I couldn’t believe it, girlfriend brought his latte, but it wasn’t even non fat!’ and “He’s been kind of depressed ever since I had him neutered” but then as Brendan Behan used to say, every cripple has his own way of walking.


This guy is walking across the Sahara desert, as you do, and his foot hits a bottle by and a genie pops out of it. The genie says to him “I am the genie of the bottle and I’ve been locked up in there for a thousand years, your wish is my command.” The guy looks at the genie and says to him,” Look, I just kind of freed you by accident and there is nothing I really want, I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is.

The genie is very surprised by this and says “ You know, I’ve been a genie for a very long time and in this game you meet all kinds of people but you’re the first person I’ve ever come across who is completely happy with his lot in life, good for you.

The guy says, thanks. I’d love to stand here and chat to you but I’d better be getting on my way before that midday sun really kicks in and he walks off. The Genie thinks about this for a minute and then goes after him and says , “Look, I’ve been thinking about this and though I admire your contentment, if word gets round the genie community that someone freed me after a thousand years, then my name will be mud. There has to be something I can do for you.

The guy thinks about this for a bit and looks at the Genie’s sad face and pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. “You see this, he says, “this is a map of the Middle East and people have been fighting over this little patch of desert for as far back as anyone can remember, longer even. Is there any way you could bring peace to this troubled corner of the globe?” The Genie bites his lip and looks pained. “Listen, . weight in gold, sure, forty virgins, not a problem, bigger you know what, dead easy and while that’s a very noble and unselfish wish but I’m afraid one of the genie rules is that we are not allowed to interfere in human history on that kind of scale,what you are asking for is just too big.”

So the guy thinks about this and says, “Look, not to worry, I won’t tell anyone about this so you don’t have to worry about the other genies.”

The genie still feels bad and says to the guy, “Is there nothing else you’ve always secretly wanted to do or to have, play guitar, meet someone from history, date a supermodel” and the guy says, “Actually on the subject of dating, I’ve always harboured a secret desire to understand the opposite sex, to really get what they’re about and how they think and why their take on things is so different from our own, is that something you think you could do for me?”

The genie looks at him with an even sadder face and shrugs and says, “ I’ll tell you what, let’s have another look at that map of the middle East.”